Episode 3/Transcript
Deandra: Have fun smelling my poops, bitches! Trisha: So... is there cheer practice today or not? Shay: (enters) Where the fuck is Mackenzie Zales? Trisha: Oh my God, it's Shay Van Buren. Mackenzie: What the fuck do you want, Shay Van Buren? Shay: Oh I don't know. I heard that you're going around calling me a fucking liar! Mackenzie: Where did you hear that? Shay: Uh I don't know, like thirty-five seconds ago. Mackenzie: I said "where", not "when", you idiot! Shay: Shut up! You know I'm partially deaf in my right ear after Matthew Derringer hit me in the head with that fucking hacky sack in the third grade! Cameron: (enters) Where the fuck is Mackenzie Zales? Trisha: Oh my God, it's Cameron Van Buren, the most popular girl in the history of the Blue Valley school district. Cameron: Hiye, Trisha! Trisha: O-oh my God. (ducks into a bathroom stall) Mackenzie: Cameron, how's Wichita State? Cameron: Um, it's great. I'm like in a shitton of sororities and I have a twenty-nine year old boyfriend. Suck it! Mackenzie: It's so good to see you. Cameron: I heard you were calling my sister a fucking liar! Mikayla: (enters) Where the fuck is Mackenzie Zales? (Silence until the group sees Mikayla) Mackenzie: Who the fuck are you? Mikayla: Who the fuck are you? Mackenzie: Oh no, no. We are not doing this again. Cameron: This is our sister, Mikayla. She's the most popular girl at Meadowlane Elementary. Mikayla: And I heard you were calling my sister a fucking liar! Trisha: Okay, seriously? Who the fuck is watching the door? How did a nine year old get in here? Mikayla: Shut up, Trisha Cappelletti! Or should I tell everybody about how you make out with Ira Martinez behind Topsy's Popcorn after school? Trisha: H-how do you know about that? Mikayla: Brooklyn Katchadorian. We have gymnastics together. Shay: What? Cameron: Fucking stand on the other side of me. Shay: Fucking Matt Derringer. Listen, Mackenzie Zales. We want—oh! Oh my God. It smells terrible in here. Mackenzie: Somebody literally just pooped. Cameron: It smells awful. Mikayla: It smells like somebody put a diabetic foot into a sandwich and left it in the sun. Ugh! Trisha: (retching) I'm sorry. I'll text Amber Zendejas. Shay: Anyway... I want an apology. I'm not a fucking liar! Mackenzie: You are a fucking liar! And I'll gladly tell it to all of Overland Park! Cameron: Well then, I'll gladly tell the student bodies of Wichita State, Kansas, and San Diego State that you eat dick burritos. Trisha: Oh my God, that's everywhere you applied. Mackenzie: I know. Mikayla: And I'll gladly tell the entire student body of Meadowlane Elementary that first grader Katelynn Zales... is rife... with cooties. (Trisha and Mackenzie gasp) Trisha: That's totally your sister. Mackenzie: I know. Okay, fine. Shay Van Buren, (quietly) I am sorry. Shay: I didn't believe that for a goddamn second. I want a handwritten apology delivered to my locker along with twenty-five dollars in PacSun bucks. Additionally, I want possession of all girls bathrooms from the West Bank lockers to the second floor and to the two trees in the quad. Mackenzie: Fuck you. Mikayla: You know, Mackenzie, it'd be a shame if your sister fell down a flight of stairs! Mackenzie: Uh, fine! I'll accept your terms, but you have to give the cheer squad the center lunch table. Cameron: Fine. Mackenzie: There's also a girl named Deandra who has pooping privileges here. Shay: She will be safe. Mackenzie: Good. But know this: the war between the Cheer Squad and the Van Buren family has just begun. Shay: Understood. Cameron: Understood. Mikayla: Understood! Trisha: Wait, what's going on? Brittnay: (off-screen) Shut the fuck up Rachel Tice! Rachel: (runs crying around the bathroom) Everyone except Trisha: Fucking Rachel Tice! Trisha: Yeah, Rachel Tice...